Grant Pardee

Grant Pardee

Contact: grantpardee@gmail.com

Writer | Producer | Comedian

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106
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Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.15.14 pm article
VICE

The Jeff Goldblum Jazz Experience

Essay
It probably isn't very LA cool of me, but when I saw that Jeff Goldblum has a weekly jazz show right in my backyard, well, sorry, but my honky, Midwestern-transplant ass couldn't help but get super psyched to see that shit immediately.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.21.19 pm article
VICE

Russia's Newly Acquired Battle Dolphins Have a Rich History

Journalism
As a brand, dolphins are typically known for having great sex, being really smart, and looking good on those binders all the middle school babes had. Dolphins are cool, but they’re lovers, man, not fighters. Being seen as a brand associated with toughness was left to other amphibious creatures like turtles, toads, and sharks. Well, brand watchers, its time to update your mental associations because sometimes dolphins have harpoons on their backs and are trained to kill human beings for the benefit of Mother Russia, and that’s something we should talk about.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 8.49.23 pm article
VICE

The Cat Circus Proves Humans Are Obsessed With Watching Cats Do Dumb Shit

Essay
The Cat Circus is a one-hour stage show where cats romp around across some stools and cat trees draped in velvet and glitter. If the set design resembles ordinary living room furniture, we're told halfway through the show, it's because it is actually the living room furniture of Samantha Martin, the woman who hosts the show, invented the show, trains the cats, and lives with the cats. She gets reliable laughs when she goes the “Can you believe I’m single?” route—though I hope it’s just part of the act because, damn, that’s a lot of cats to take care of by yourself.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.18.28 pm article
VICE

Russia Is Installing Video Cameras in School Classrooms

Journalism
It's the latest development in the ongoing saga of Mother Russia's efforts at educational reform, which had previously been dominated by rampant corruption and palm greasing, allowing only the wealthiest and most well-connected students to attend universities. It meant that about $520 million a year was being spent on bribery of college admissions officials, according to a report by the UN cultural agency UNESCO.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.20.36 pm article
VICE

Social Media Is Going to Get More Anonymous and More Ubiquitous

Essay
We're long, long past the point where social media seems new or particularly novel. Even the term social media itself is beginning to feel dated; the communications it refers to have become so ingrained into our everyday existences that the phrase seems redundant, like "color TV" or "cordless phone." I don't know, grandpa, wasn't media always social?

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.24.05 pm article
VICE

What Makes People In Los Angeles Miserable?

Essay
The LA2020 Commission report infamously claimed that almost 40 percent of the population of Los Angeles lives in "misery." They point to high poverty rates, long commute times, and local government’s slowness in fixing the city’s vital infrastructure. Looking to put a face to the drudgery, I decide to put on my cub reporter press hat and gumshoes to find out what's making people in Los Angeles miserable:

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.00.04 pm article
VICE

The Sega Dreamcast Was Weird, Fun, and Gone Too Soon

Essay
The Sega Dreamcast lived fast, died young, and left a beautiful corpse—or at least a library of bizarre and entertaining games. But Sega's blink-and-you-missed-it console is more than just an artifact prized by a few Shenmue-loving nostalgia trippers; it represents a mess of squandered potential, a path not taken by mainstream gaming.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.22.46 pm article
VICE

We All Might Want to Be a Little More Freaked Out About Toledo's Water Crisis

Journalism
"Our water is in trouble," was the ominous threat Toledo, Ohio had to deal with this past weekend when Mayor D. Michael Collins declared on Friday that the city's water was infected with toxins from algae-infected Lake Erie and unsafe to drink or bathe in. The consequence on the local news was mostly people lined up in the parking lots of high schools, loading bottles of water into their cars. No one shriveled up and died.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 8.57.47 pm article
VICE

Whatever Happened to the Mascots of Our Beloved 90s Platformers?

Essay
The video game mascots many of us grew up with were intrinsically tied to platformers, and it's been nearly 20 years since that genre was dominant, though several of the best-selling games of all time, like Super Mario Bros. 3, are from that 1985–1996 period. Back then, children were the biggest market in gaming, so it only made sense to develop characters that aped Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse. Developers searching for their piece of the pie looked to Super Mario Bros. as a replicable template, which led to the explosion of the platform genre and the accompanying mascots.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 8.56.03 pm article
VICE

The Potato Salad Kickstarter Is Incredibly Stupid (and That's Why You Should Support It)

Essay
Yes, the potato salad Kickstarter is an incredibly stupid joke that the Internet has deemed worthy of over $40,000. But it's a joke that targets the shallowness of social media panhandling in a fun way. That's why it's worth celebrating.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.00.36 pm article
VICE

How the Madden Video Game Franchise Got Lazy and Stale

Essay
For over a decade, EA Sports' Madden franchise has been the only football game officially endorsed by the NFL—a big deal since gamers don't want to play games where they control a bunch of invented teams and made-up players. But not too long ago there was variety, in the form of Sega Sports's NFL 2K and Midway's NFL Blitz, and that competition made all of the games stronger, like some classic pro-capitalist textbook shit.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.17.44 pm article
VICE

The North Korean Haircut Mandate Is Totally on Brand

Journalism
According to some tenuous reports, Kim Jong-un issued a mandate two weeks ago that all university students in North Korea must get his haircut, reinforcing that uniquely North Korean brand of oh-fuck-that's-creepy.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.18.05 pm article
VICE

The VICE Guide To Pizza

Humor
It's time that we as a society put our foot down and set some guidelines for what is and isn't pizza. We've assembled an A-Z list of the most important aspects of pizza culture and SPOILER ALERT: none of them include fucking caviar.

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.18.48 pm article
VICE

Where Are All the Christmas-Themed Video Games?

Essay
It has been said, notably by the late Roger Ebert, that video games are not art. They may be fun, they may be innovative, but they are not "art." Video game fans do not like to hear this assertion. (Regular people don't like to hear either side of this inane argument at all.) But if video games are art, why don't they have Christmas staples like movies, music, and literature do? Where's the video game equivalent of It's a Wonderful Life or "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"?

Screen shot 2016 04 02 at 9.20.09 pm article
VICE

Bill Cosby Is Losing His TV Show Because of the Rape Allegations

Journalism
The House of Cosby—once a mighty comedy empire and cash cow—is in tatters after a ​seemingly endless series of allegations that Bill Cosby drugged and raped multiple women over the course of decades. The public image of the star has all of a sudden shifted from "avuncular authority figure with silly sweaters and a speech impediment" to "calculated, opportunistic predator with a taste for pudding."